The Power of Self Control with Bryan Yates
Life can sometimes feel out of control. To regain our feeling of control, it is important to reduce the size of our circle of personal control. We can minimize this circle by focusing on our own response to the world, rather than trying to control the entire world. Ultimately, the only thing any of us can control is our own reactions to external conditions.
In this episode, Matt O'Neill interviews recovery coach Bryan Yates. Bryan opens up about his past struggles with alcoholism and achievement addiction. When faced with big challenges like addiction, it is important to understand where your true power lies. It lies in this moment, in this response, in controlling the only thing we can control, our reactions to the world.
Here are some power takeaways from today’s conversation:
Who are you becoming? vs. Who are you?
Embracing self-acceptance and accountability
The “over and next” exercise
The power of self-control
[10:47] Embracing Self-Acceptance and Accountability
Bryan emphasizes the common tendency to negotiate self-acceptance away. We often set conditions for accepting ourselves, tying it to external achievements or milestones. This pattern is prevalent in our late 20s, 30s, and early 40s. From a sobriety perspective, Bryan shares two essential rules: surrender, and then acknowledge powerlessness over alcohol, people, and emotions. By accepting our past avoidance and taking full accountability for our actions and responses, we can truly embrace self-acceptance and personal growth.
[18:26] The Over Next Technique
The "over/next" technique is a simple yet powerful exercise that Bryan uses in his coaching. It involves writing things you want to let go of or be "over" in one column, and what you want to replace them with in the "next" column. This exercise helps you consciously identify behaviors, thought patterns, or habits that are no longer serving you. Writing them down makes it more real and committed. The "next" column is where you get to envision positive changes and how you want to grow or improve, providing motivation and direction.
Simply writing it out takes it from your head to your heart in a way that visualizing can reinforce changes on a deeper level. We naturally fall back into old patterns, so revisiting your "over next" lists helps keep you accountable to evolving in a healthy way. It acknowledges that change is a process by focusing on replacements rather than just "cutting things out," and so, it tends to be more sustainable long-term.
[30:36] The Power of Self-Control
Bryan highlights the essence of personal control as a small circle. Through his own struggles with sobriety, Bryan realized that by minimizing this circle and focusing on his own response to the world, he gained clarity on the limited influence he truly possesses. Ultimately, the only thing any of us can control is our own reactions to external conditions.
Notable quotes:
[18:10] Knowing the meaning of two words – over and next… Over, it’s like I'm letting go of this thing. Next, let's hit the next thing. [18:24]
[31:12] The only thing I really control is my response to conditions in the world. [31:17]
[07:21] We're constantly in this process of becoming... Who are you becoming?... That's a much harder question to answer but it's a much better question that who are you? [07:53]
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About the Guest
Bryan Yates is an experienced performance and leadership coach. Bryan's coaching methods reflect his passion for using past challenges to assist others, viewing recovery as an ongoing process of personal growth and self-acceptance.
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